Everything Must Change

(Written Saturday afternoon)
Yesterday was a day of hopeful letdowns. I went to bed the night before with a mission to do two things the next day: go to the Boboli Gardens and Michelangelo’s Piazza. It was strange moment though--one of those times when I knew no matter how set in stone my plan was, and how easy to accomplish it would be, something was bound to get in the way. Well, there's nothing like trusting my intuition 'cause that baby knows what's up! For more excuses than I care to explain or you probably care to hear, I didn't accomplish my plan. My entire day consisted of a series of wrong-time-wrong-place situations added to my already miserable drippy nose and broken cell phone, making it all too easy to just give up on the plan and spend most of the day reading depressing poetry in an English bookstore near the Duomo.

Allura, I've found that there's no worse feeling these days than when I feel like I've wasted a day here--a day in Florence, a day in Italy, a day in Europe that could have been more, more, more than what it was, was, was. And then my internal thoughts go something like this: WHY did I NOT follow through on my PLAN that was supposed to be so EASY? What's WRONG with me? I'm in ITALY--what am I doing wasting this day?

In all honesty, I just have to laugh at myself. Of course I didn't accomplish the easiest plan in the world that I had all day to do. Of course not! Because when I woke up yesterday morning (or better yet, when I went to bed the night before), I knew I didn't really want to go to the gardens or piazza anymore--I felt sniffly, sick and gloomy. But I didn't want to give up on the only thing that seemed worthy of my precious time here. I didn't want to let go of The Plan (meaningful experiences only possible in Florence) and leave things up to The Universe (probably meaningless things available world wide; ie, my laptop and snot-filled tissues).

But I'm convinced that sometimes we makes plans to do tangible things because we know that we have tons of soul work to do. We write: buy toilet paper and new sponges, and go to the museums and gardens, to avoid writing: be honest, be brave, and trust yourself (even your lonely or bad-mood self). We spend days accomplishing lots of things but nothing that we really needed. Nothing that was really what our heart was calling out for.

So yesterday was one of those days where I tried my ass off to accomplish what I didn't actually feel like doing--and I never accomplished it.

But today, on and on like a mantra, the phrase "everything must change" sang to me on constant repeat. I woke up and knew that today was going to be different. Without the slightest plan in mind (no, I was not going to try at the gardens and piazza again...not yet), I was ready to greet whatever the Universe had in store for me. I was ready to listen for what I actually wanted, what I actually believed was important for this day and this moment in this place. And suddenly, my cell phone rings and it's my roommate Anna asking if I'd go to brunch with her. Of course! Says the girl who hasn't seen signs of life in ages, seemingly.

Brunch was delicious and even better thanks to such honest conversation between Anna and I. So as we're walking home, there's a hair salon that I decide to peak my head into. I've been contemplating chopping off my hair for some time now, but I've never had the feeling that it was really what I wanted--just a fluky thought. So I peak my head in and ask them what they think of me going-afro style...to which all the people in the salon replied that they thought it would be absolutely beautiful and they could do it right here, right now, give me your jacket, do you want to be shampooed?, we'll give you a student discount, here's a picture, is this what you want?

John Lucca was his name and I am in love with the way he took an electric razor to my hair and perfectly buzzed it into place. The feeling I have from finally letting go of the idea that I need a certain hair style or image to be myself is so liberating. I don't need that length to feel the length of me. I can just let it go and let loose. What a feeling.

I've never felt so positively effected by a hair cut in my entire life. I feel like taking the scary step to buzz it all off gave me so much courage today--courage that I really needed. Courage to be strong enough to admit my clarity, to be kind and honest enough to gently break the Truth to someone who really needed me to say it, to be wise enough to let go of the missed imaginings, to be peaceful enough to embrace the beautiful present.

Sometimes we make lists of things we don't really need to do and we fill our days trying to get them done. But sometimes, those things can be magically meditative, and just doing them can be enough to clear our minds and lead our strides exactly where they ought to go.


What magical places has the Universe led you lately?

All my love,
Rach